Commuting on trains: The Unwritten Rules written

I travel daily on trains, and there is a set of unwritten rules regarding how to travel in a way that causes the least inconvenience to you and other passengers and in generally allows things to actually run. The good thing about these rules is that they're applicable on just about every mode of transport.

When boarding the train:

Wait for people to get off the train. How the hell do you think you're going to get a seat, or some choice standing area if you don't let people get off the damn train. Wait to the sides of the doors because, unless you have the power to become insubstantial, such as a ghost or The Vision, people leaving the train can't step through you.

Seating:

You do not deserve 2 seats. I have an arse that can contest many in both size and weight, I know that I don't deserve 2 seats, I know that my rucksack or my shopping has not bought a ticket and is frankly lucky it's getting a free ride at all. You can not reserve a double seat using any of the following actionsSitting in the outside seat and not moving aside when someone wants to sit at the windowPutting bags/shopping/pets on the seat next to youGlaring (Particularly if there are 2 of you on either side of a 3 seater and someone has the audacity to sit between you)If you want any control over how much space you get, space is always dictated by the person at the window, on the outside you have a walkway to occupy, they can't move any further into the wall.When sitting down, fill up empty rows before parking next to strangers, seriously we won't talk to you and will ignore any attempts at conversation regardless of how uppity you get, sit on your own.

Standing.

The door area is fine if there are a few people standing, but if its getting crowded, move into the walkway, I don't care if you're stops the next one, let the other people on and negotiate your way to the doors once the train is moving.

Leaving the train:

At a normal station, pay attention, particularly on a crowded train, you know you’ll have to get through a packed train before your stop, so make a start early, be polite and don't push, and standees, let people past, they don't want your spot, they want off which with the crowding is only a good thing.

At a terminus.

When all is changing, standing passengers get off first, no arguments, no whining, I don't care how short the trip was, you had a seat, they didn't, they get the clean run to the ticket barrier, you wait for them to clear then stand up. Standing up as you're pulling into the platform, or in the case of Glasgow Central, when you're crossing the river doesn't qualify you as standing. Stop barging in front of the poor blighters who have been on their feet all trip just because you don't want to be caught in the throngs of the ticket barrier.

At the ticket barriers,

both ways have your ticket ready, it speeds things up, also, if you can't find your ticket, don't stand at the barrier rummaging through your handbag/pockets there are people who thought ahead wanting to get on with their day, stand aside, get your ticket then approach the barriers. A hint, the human barriers at Glasgow central are manned by the hardiest of the Scotrail staff, like terminators they cannot be reasoned with or stopped. They don't care if your train is leaving shortly. Your assurances that you'll buy a ticket on the train will fall on deaf ears. You don't get past them without a ticket.

Escalators:

The London underground has this right, in London standing two abreast on an escalator so others can't pass is a crime punishable by 2hrs in the stocks. I have days where I just like to take things easy and see the world pass by; I also have days where I'm in a mad panicked rush. So be considerate and leave space for people to pass.

Finally some Do's and Don’ts

DON'T: Play your music through your phone speaker. What the hells are you thinking? I have this MP3 Player on for a reason Cr@pwit. I don't care if you're playing the Best of Pie Man's favourite songs of all time. I don't want to hear it and neither does anyone else. Naturally the norm is duff techno, because the mindset who thinks that this is acceptable behaviour also thinks that white Kappa tracksuits look really good.

DO: Turn your walkman down when the train is packed, its good manners to try and limit your noise output when in a cramped pressure cooker. It prevents you being beaten to death by a copy of the DaVinci Code.

DO: Fold your paper, it’s cramped, and anyway, last time I checked the Independent doesn't have centrefolds, there is no actual reason for you to have to hold your paper fully open, unless you’re a tit who wants everyone to know how much better you are than them by the choice of quality paper you're reading.

DON'T: Get snippy when the person in the seat next to you reads your absurdly open paper with you, even asking for page turns and comment, you're the one trying to occupy an entire 3 seats with arms and broadsheet.

DO: Chat quietly, I don't object to conversations, even if I'm not involved (See earlier comment regarding MP3 player and book) you can talk on your phone, to your friends its all good, just at a volume that doesn't broadcast to the entire train

DON'T: Shout. Just don't.

Follow these rules and you're much less likely to be bludgeoned to death by an aged Creative Zen MP3 player (Those things are really robust)